Madness and other Addictions or (How I survived 4 months without internet)

Disclaimer:- No minds were destroyed during this experiment (Save my own) nor were any non-prescription medications taken.

Yes you read it correctly 4, one, two, three, FOUR! long gruelling months without a proper connection to the internet.

Why? You ask.

Why indeed comes my response. Well it all started in October an unusually warm and busy day when I moved to my new apartment and I’d decided that even after having used the internet at my previous place for nigh on 2 years I could live without it. After all it’s just for people who don’t have Xboxes etc isn’t it?

The experiment started well, I busied myself with arranging my stuff in my new home and finding out where things were or if I needed any extra things. I should mention at this point that I moved into a furnished place, meaning it has practically everything a person needs, knifes, forks, plates, cooking utensils, a bed, sofa, in fact I was greeted by a plethora of things perhaps some I will never use. anyway I digress.

The first month and a bit was easy, cleaning the new apartment kept me busy and entertainment provided by reading or playing guitar, the occasional night out and then of course mobile internet was still available but it’s most definitely not the same as a desktop or even a tablet connected to the internet by a long shot.

Connecting my tablet via the phone helped to fill some of the void that I was now feeling but the biggest drawback apart from the lack of speed was that 1Gb is most certainly not sufficient in this day and age if you upload pictures or perusing other peoples photographic delights and so one fateful night out of sheer desperation I went over to the big grey box that graces the centre of focus in my living room and plugged it in, reaching for the remote control I wondered what pleasures lay waiting in the darkness of the screen ready to spring forth and titillate my weary mind…………adverts………..more adverts…………………click…… An endless stream of adverts greeted me with their blaring colours and overenthusiastic actors and actresses each with their own special blend of exuberance and ridiculous “Catchsounds”. I coined this word to fill the quite clear gap in our language for those irritating ways of saying something in a ridiculous voice or a particular way of laughing, coughing, sneezing  ad infinitum that are designed by some malicious psychologist to stick in your head till death do us part e.g. Take brand X “it turns AAAaargh into Falala, falafala LaH!!” CLICK. Aha! finally a program that I find interesting, I’ll avoid naming programs to avoid any negative feedback, It’s a program about people who buy things that someone was unfortunate enough not to be able to afford paying a third party to look after them (Got it?). I was enthralled by what people found and how much it was worth and slowly I sank into the programmers trap, I would rush home after work in the hopes there was a repeat of an episode I only caught a part of, craving my fix of watching other people doing what they do instead of doing what I could have been doing. Then I noticed that I always wanted more, the episode seemed to lack something so slowly I watched less and….Another program along a similar vein (description uneccesary) Hooked again temporarily…until……click…… The format was the same but then petty bickering was added for effect and to bring back up the failing ratings by who knows who? The producer, director or the ratings guy who gets fired if the program becomes unsuccessful…….I then discovered that I’d started watching cartoons, you know the one about the couchpotato, whose wife has strangely coloured hair (No, not Margaret Thatcher!) and their family. I still think it’s a great show by the way so no hate mail from fans please. Plus another one about some characters who live under the sea, which has an awesome theme tune that I can’t stop humming on my way to work. Although I am saddened by the poor translation in Spanish, “The Pants” are just so neccessary, tut, sigh.

I settled into my new viewing with relative glee….click…..oh that series about a group of scientists who…..Yes, that one. It starts, I sit watching ready for the first punch line at the 30 second mark…..BANG! 7 minutes of Adverts…..wait….what the? who? Damn!! It comes back on I get engrossed and start to enjoy myself, chuckling with glee at their antics, 2 minutes of entertainment later and KERBOOM!! 6 minutes of adverts……..erm….cup of tea ready for the next showing. This is how it goes. I don’t know who thought that this was a good idea, don’t get me wrong I understand someone has to pay for this and that this generates cash but really guys, is there not a better way? One that jangles the nerves a little less or creates an even bigger feeling of disenchantment (My word of the week so I have to use it) than before?

The answer to the above question I believe is a resounding NO!! It’s all part of the programming (Pun intended) get people hooked on a T.V. show, disenchant them there’s that word again then advertise your products again making you think that they will be life changers and you will rush out and buy the latest bigger, wider, thinner, curvier T.V. with triple processed ultrareverb speakers so you can enjoy an even louder BAZINGER than before.

In short I think what I’m trying to say is, Welcome back into my life, Dear, Sweet Ramtastic Internet!!


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